Independent vs. Self-Reliant

We were lucky to be recently interviewed by our local paper for an article about Cooking with Kids.  Not only was I quoted in the article, but they sent a photographer to our house and Kevin ended up with a huge picture of himself in the paper.

This was a HUGE deal for him. He LOVED the attention of family and his teachers.  In fact, his head was getting so big with his new fame, that he was actually walking up to to strangers in the grocery store asking if they wanted his autograph.  Perhaps in the future, I will have to blog about how we teach modesty and humility to a pre-schooler......

However, his fame is not what I wanted to write about tonight.  In the article, I am quoted as saying that I wanted to teach my son how to cook so he could be self-reliant and that I want to raise an independent child.  As I read those sentences, I really had to stop myself and think about that. Is that what I really want for my child?

I look at myself and realize I am probably the extreme.  I have such a hard time asking anyone for help.  It doesn't matter if it is personal or professional.  I think that I interpret a request for help as a sign that I am not capable, and that is just not an image I am OK to portray.  I think a lot of this has to do with my upbringing. 

Everything I am about to write is strictly my opinion, and is not written with any judgement of my parents.  I truly believe that parents make decisions based on what they believe is best for their child.  That may be driven by their own preferences, their own experiences with their parents, or the goals they have for their child. 

My parents raised me to be independent and self-reliant. Why is this a bad thing, you ask?  Well, because if you know me, you know I'm the type of person who likes the black and white.  I have no room for gray.  So when taught self-reliance and independence, I think I took it to the extreme.  And as a result, I can only depend on myself. 

I bought my wedding dress by myself.
I went on college tours without my parents. 
I drove myself (alone) to the DMV to get my driver's license. (This is most definitely illegal, and unless my parents read this blog, they have never known this little fact.)
I have moved myself out of every apartment and home I've ever lived in.
I brought a fragile infant home from the NICU by myself after a c-section with no assistance.
I fight insurance companies, doctors, and a devil of a disease with no help from anyone.
I plan, organize, and orchestrate every detail of our lives so that it is done.
I sacrifice my health and my personal enjoyment to get everything done.

Don't get me wrong....there have been times when I've asked for help....but they are few and far between, and often, I don't get what I've asked for.  So I've stopped asking.

I am so self-reliant and independent that I distance myself from the people who love me.  And I didn't do this on purpose. It just evolved.  And to be clear, this is not a Johnna pity party. (If it was, I would probably have gone to Pinterest to make sure that I had themed invitations, food, beverage, and decorations.) This is me really looking at how I am and what that means in my life.

So when I look at how I want to raise my son, I really do have to ask myself if I want him to be like me.  I do want him to be self-reliant....but I am struggling with "independent."  I don't want him to be afraid to ask for help, and to build the cushion around him where the people who love him can support him, but he also supports them. 

I guess that this is the challenge for all parents.  How do we take the best of ourselves and role model that for our kids, while we also look at where we struggle and try to make them better than we are?  I'm sure I'm not the first parent to ask themselves this question, rather it was done directly or subconsciously.  All I can do is hope that someday my son looks back on his childhood and how I parented, and realizes that everything I've done is to make him into the best person I can.